In October one of my dearest friends asked me where my picture was that Keegan had made of me dancing when he was 4. It hung in my PA house for years and this blog was birthed out of that picture 3 years ago. She thought it was time for it to come back out and for ME to be reminded this time… I will dance again. I reread this blog last night through tears…So with no further explanation… here is “You Will Dance Again,” by me, this time for me…. and the picture came out of the boxes and is up on my wall again.
There is a picture of me dancing that hangs on our refrigerator. It’s been there over a year now as a reminder and I don’t plan on taking it down anytime soon. It’s a reminder that I dance again.
I have a masters degree in counseling but there was a season when at the end of a lot of days I felt like I needed to be the one on the couch.
Life felt out of control, I felt out of control and I lost myself. I vividly remember going on a walk with my Love one night and he said, “How’s Vivian?” My answer was simple – “she isn’t. Vivian doesn’t exist anymore. I’m a mom now.” I hated it but didn’t know how to fix it, and I didn’t have the energy to try to figure it out. I was just treading water to get through the days.
I remember another conversation after baby number two that I said through tears, “I’m just so sad that they will never know me. The real me. The ‘full of life,’ bubbly, FUN, me. They will only know this shell who is exhausted and yells to much because I’m stressed.”
Couple all of this with the guilt and confusion of knowing I was living my dream, but all of the sudden feeling like my dream didn’t fit. That’s an awful place to be. You might be in this place right now. It might be because of motherhood or it might be because of another dream that feels it doesn’t fit. Can I let you in on a little secret? You will dance again.
It seems unbelievable right now, I know. You loved to read but now the thought of even picking up book makes you tired. You’re were a party planner extraordinaire but having someone for dinner now means you actually have to cook something. You loved to write, but the only words you get out now are mostly focused on a toddler vocabulary. You were the best teacher, accountant, massage therapist, managing partner, fill in the blank… but these days you are ready for a nap by one.
That picture on my refrigerator, it was painted by my youngest when he was 4. He knows me as a dancing mama. When he walked out of his school with that picture, I don’t know who was prouder; him because of his beautiful artwork, or me, because I kept pushing through the days. With the help of a Heavenly Father that loved/s me and poured out strength, intentional friends that listened and a husband that held my hand even when I wasn’t “me” I made it over that mountain. And now, now I’m dancing on the other side, for my kids and the whole world to see.
Keep pushing my friends. Cry your tears and never feel guilty for them, for you were created by a loving Father who insisted we come equipped with an emotional side. Find your intentional friends, the ones you can be gut level honest with and who will never make you feel less. Paint your nails. Sign up for a 5k. Bake a cake. Seriously, something small that you can do that is just for you. No one else. Something that will remind you that you are a person, not just a role.
You’re in there, and you will dance again.